This was originally a different chapter but then it was revealed to me that this is what I need to talk about. This is very painful to have to say but unfortunately there are people who prey upon others who have had traumatic experiences. These people continue to victimize the victims. This book is not written from the perspective of having a victim mentality. Because clearly, we are accountable for ourselves no matter what other people have done to us. We must choose to try our best to “be good” even though… or to succumb and “be bad” because of… but ultimately the choice is ours.
Some medical professionals have coined the term “playing the victim” as having a negative connotation. This is unfair to the person who has been victimized. My only child was murdered. You want to tell me that I am not a victim. That I am only playing a victim. Really? I remember when I was working with the victim advocate during the court procedures. One day she responded to me as my son being the victim. Um no. My son was victimized but the people who were left behind by this senseless murder like my granddaughters and myself are the victims. How could Jason be the victim if he can no longer feel the pain? How can Jason be the victim if he is in heaven? Isn’t heaven a better place?
It’s hard to continue to move forward even when the system continues to victimize us. I am not making a blanket statement. In Jason’s case a person took a plea for murder who claims he did not commit the murder. This person has a mental disability and receives SSI. He was intimidated by the investigators. The prosecutor’s office had no evidence against this person. They only had a statement from one of their snitches who was a repeated offender. Anyway, injustice serves no purpose. So, I did only what God would expect from me. I contacted the FBI. Soon after, the accused was set free. However, the police have closed Jason’s case knowing that this person did not commit the murder. I honestly believe given all the information that I have that it was a policeman who killed my son.
Moving forward. I want to say to victims it is important to find balance. Don’t expect to find compassion from people who have not had your experiences. Trust me, they will not understand. Build your support system with people like you. These are the only people who will genuinely understand. Don’t look for a savior, look for support. When Jason was first murdered, I was desperate to find faith in humans. I needed something to believe in. I desperately trusted people who took advantage of my vulnerability. I went to the extreme and trusted non trustworthy people at their word. I had to. I was dying from paranoia. At that time, the two extremes were to find good in bad people or to allow the paranoia to destroy me by believing that everyone was bad. What I needed was balance. I needed the ability to see clearly. I took people at their word and gave them more value than they deserved. I believed this was the way to overcome evilness. However, what I was really greeted with is more evilness.
My suggestion would be to get silent. To try to meditate. The true answers will come from within. In the beginning meditation was hard for me. I was constantly anxious everything was so loud. While writing this paragraph I gained a truer understanding of my anxiety. My anxiety was created because of my having to constantly feel like being in a flight or fight mode. YouTube has many meditation videos. I practice meditating every day for 20 -30 minutes. Even when everything is so loud. I stay. I discipline myself to stay anyways. I sit, I am silent. The more I practice the better, I get. It took me doing this for at least six months before I could quiet the voices inside my head. Some people it will take longer, other people it will take less. But, whatever it takes, remember you are worth it.
Through meditation eventually you will learn to trust your intuition. You will learn who is safe and when to be vulnerable. Someone once told me that prayer is talking to God and meditation is listening for his answers.
You can find support groups by googling your topic or you can call any hospital to ask if they know of any programs. Also, you can check with the local churches or any social service organization to find a support system. Whatever you choose to do, please don’t give up because when you do the hunters win.
lovemesane 